after a day not leaving the house, i suggested going to triple o's for dinner when tim got home. but you know, babies are unpredictable. after he had a bottle, instead of feeling happily fed, we strapped a screaming ben into his carseat and got him in the car. he likes car rides so he was calm on the way and even for the first two minutes in triple o's. i took him out of his seat when he started wailing but he was happy in my arms for half a burger. the second half of the burger, he wanted me to stand up and rock him so i ate while standing. there was only one other person in the place and he looked over at us wen ben was crying and said, "that doesn't bother me." so that was nice. but food was eaten in a place other than a home and that was really the goal.
i always swore that i'd never refer to my husband as "dad" or any derivitive of when we had kids. but sometimes it just comes out. i said to tim yesterday, "it's funny that i keep calling you daddy sometimes, hey?" and he said, "yeah, i'm suprised. but it's not as weird as 55 year old ladies at work calling me daddy. i don't even know how to reply to that."
yesterday and today have been the first two days of me alone at home with ben all day. and these two days have involved a lot of tv and sitting on the couch. i have big plans to go for walks and read books but...we're off to a slow start.
seeing as, despite cable, not much on tv in the morning, i have resorted to an old summer tradition of watching "the price is right" at 10am. matt and i used to watch it probably everyday in the summer. and as we got older and sick of bob barker, we'd watch it on mute and do the commentary ourselves. but with drew carey as the host now, it's lost a little something. but i still like guessing the prices. i'm always way off.
today between feeding, naps, and a couple screaming fits, i watched some ellen, party of five, dog the bounty hunter, and dr.phil. thankfully, i have some plans for tomorrow and they include much less tv. :)
so if you get together with us...probably anytime soon...you'll find that normal conversation is hardly possible. we try - we really do. but we're about to inturrupt you if our child makes any noise. after you tell us something unrelated to the baby, we'll try to engage but it might come out with a question like, "why do you think ben's neck is peeling?" yesterday, my dad said to me, "i'm still thinking about ross's sermon this morning. aren't you?" and i replied, "i'm thinking about my baby." this is one all-consuming process. and i really had no idea. but hopefully we will quickly learn how to become contributing members of society again while having a baby. i just thought i should warn you.
it was ben's first outing yesterday. all the way to white rock so we could go to church. he slept for the 45 minute car ride but woke up walking into church. i figured he'd go back to sleep since he'd just fed 45 minutes earlier. he sat politely through the singing (tim says, "this music is too loud.) and when the baby dedications began, he let out a big scream. i tried not to panic and tried to look like a competent mother as i reefed him out of his car seat and tried to speed away. i dropped the diaper bag up the aisle. his hat fell off. but i got him out fairly quickly. :)
as it is every sunday night, last night was pizza night. ben monopolized our time of course so we somewhat ate in shifts. i was holding him while i ate my dessert. when i was pregnant, i had food stains on my stomach all the time. what can i say? i spill. now that i have a baby, he took the wrath and ended up with some ice cream and rhubarb strawberry crisp on him. thanks ben.
so now our first week is coming to an end, it feels as though this little guy has been with us forever. in a good way. and we like him a lot.
> i said, "i'm never going to sit in the backseat of a car with my baby."...i said, "i better sit in the backseat with ben to make sure he's okay on the way home."
> i rolled my eyes at parental discussion of bowel movements...i regaled everyone over dinner last night with the details of my baby's latest diaper change.
> i thought it was funny when parents wanted to tell you how smart/strong etc their child is...you should know that ben is already holding up his head and can hold is own soother in.
> i didn't think i'd be one to give many details of my labour to people who didn't want to know...i described the experience to our friend/downstairs tenant with way too much description. ;)
> i wondered why parents didn't want to let their baby cry it out...i tried to leave ben for two minutes and couldn't. it was too sad.
tim and i are loving our little boy and are muddling our way through the first week trying to figure him out. so far, he likes his carseat and being in the car, enjoys his vibrating chair, gets the hiccups often, and loves to look at the light coming in the windows. he didn't cry in his first bath or when the public health nurse stripped him down and weighed him today. he cries inconsolably for awhile around 11pm at night and we haven't figured out why yet. but we're having a great time getting to know him.
so in case you're not up to date on facebook, tomorrow morning i have an appointment booked to be induced at 7:30am. i'm supposed to call at 6:30am and see if they have room for me because if not, they'll tell me to call back later. i'm crossing my fingers for no one else to be having babies tomorrow morning. :) then i go in and my doctor uses some kind of gel (is this too much info?) and i sit around for awhile and if it doesn't kick me into labour, i go get lunch then come back and we do it all again. this can happen a few times. if it doesn't happen, next is breaking my water and then, if still nothing, i go on an IV. so while i think i'm having this baby tomorrow, it sounds like there are a lot of factors (the main one being they don't have room for me tomorrow) so i shouldn't be getting too too set on it.
but how can i not? i have been pregnant now for 41 weeks and 3 days. that's 290 days of pregnancy. to reminisce a little is to be expected, is it not?
when i took my first pregnancy test, i didn't really read the instructions very carefully. i didn't use it in the morning, as suggested, and i didn't pee on the stick for the whole 5 seconds...maybe just 1 second. and the result was that i was not pregnant. fine with me as it would have meant i'd be due in june when school wouldn't be finished yet. a couple weeks later when i told my friend kara this story, she looked at me as though i was crazy and said, "umm, maybe you should do another test." that was october 10th. i thought, "yeah, maybe." but didn't. it was the weekend of matt's wedding, family was out from ontario, it was a busy weekend. that night, at the rehearsal dinner, my aunt carolyn asked me if there was anything that i wanted to tell them this weekend...implying pregnancy. i innocently said, "nope. not pregnant." but the next morning, the morning of matt's wedding, i got up at 8am, peed on the 2nd stick in my two pack of pregnancy tests and it was positive. i climbed back into bed with tim and said, "so i'm pregnant." since i hadn't even told him that i was taking the test, he was shocked and then we were giddy. we kept it a secret all day and enjoyed the wedding with the secret we had.
i'd have to say my feelings on being pregnant after the initial surprise were mostly apprehension. we felt unbelievably blessed and humbled that getting pregnant had not been difficult for us as it can be for so many couples. but now we were really pregnant and the idea of giving birth was horrifying. breastfeeding still makes me nervous. just having a baby around sounded like i was going to be giving up a lot of freedom. yes, we wanted to be pregnant and had prayed and hoped for it to happen but now that it was here, it was overwhelming. i was super forgetful, emotional, and very exhausted. i gained excessive weight in the first few months and while i was very glad to be "showing", there was a steady stream of commentary from friends and colleagues and strangers in line at the grocery store on how huge i was. but all in stride. second trimester, my energy came back and i felt back to "normal". in january and february, i still jogged around in p.e. class and played soccer at recess. i went to step class every monday night and kept up and usually took a dance class on wednesdays. and then one day in late february, i played a little soccer and afterwards, i could barely walk. all my joints were unbelievably sore. i realized that it was time to start slowing down a little. this was a difficult part of pregnancy for me - the feeling of laziness...forced laziness. i have to say, with all the feelings of nervousness and the diminishing ability to do day to day things, i ashamedly didn't have the best attitude about being pregnant in my second trimester. i wasn't a pregnancy fan. and where was this great skin i'd heard about anyways?
but one night, this growing baby stopped fluttering around and started moving. long periods of slower movements sliding across my insides. i cried. it felt terrible. but i started to get used to it. and even though i was getting bigger and bigger, i felt more aware of this being a baby and not just "weight". when i got to the date where the baby, if it came now, could survive, i was so happy. i saw great examples in some of our friends of how great a baby was and how they could still do lots of things that i thought i'd be giving up when this little guy came. and i finally "got used" to being pregnant. it wasn't so bad - i was making a baby. it helped to have quite possibly the most supportive husband ever who encouraged me everyday. i don't think i could be a husband to a pregnant woman - that is a whole other journey.
and now, 290 days later, we're ready. haha. i guess that word, ready, should be in quotation marks but i was . but God had it right when he made the gestation period 40 or so weeks because you need that long to get your mind wrapped around what's going to happen. my brother asked me today (on the phone as he's in arkansas for fire academy until july) if knowing that i'm going in tomorrow is scarier than it just happening randomly but as of 11:18pm the night before? i'm still feeling like, "sure, i can do this." here we go!
i have always cut the centre stem out of a pepper then cut it open down the side to pull out the remaining seeds.but then at my tupperware party, the tupperware lady just cut off all the sides of the pepper with no finicky knife stabbing the top. i feel like, why is anyone cutting their peppers the first way? why didn't i think of this myself? then the thought occurred to me...maybe everyone IS cutting their peppers this new way. what have you been doing? and can you be converted?
well after last night's sytycd episode, i predicted the voting off of tony and paris. and off they went tonight. but after seeing jonathan and karla's solos, i felt like it's an obvious vote for next week. i can't stand how smilely jonathan's dance was last night. (plus the see-through white shirt put me off but i know that's not his fault.)
overall, wasn't last night's show so good though? this is a fantastic group this season. or do i think that every season? my favourite couple is jason and blond girl who danced bollywood style. and hey, if we have judges like adam and nigel on either side of mary's screaming? i can handle it.
i see people in sandals sometimes who have terrible cracked heels. they just look awful. and i wonder how it is they have not gotten themselves a pedicure as soon as those cracks appeared.
all of a sudden...I HAVE CRACKED HEELS! i've never had them before. what has changed? why did this happen? what can i do about it?
yesterday and today i have just been putting heavy duty lotion on them but they still are looking terrible. AND i just recently had a pedicure so i'm definitely not due for another one anytime soon. i can't give up sandals - it's warm out!
on a pregnancy note - since that's really why you're here reading this - i walked into the library today and the woman behind the desk says to me, "are you ever going to have that baby?" i logged onto facebook here at the library and my friend from PDP who is due june 24th posted photos of her baby, born yesterday. i'd like you to note that i have held it together and am not crying sitting here...but i should probably get out of here pretty quickly. haha. oh wait...too late.
i think i was focused too hard on june 4th. i thought i was would have a baby by then...or the next day. but now that it's sunday and i'm feeling quite disappointed and huge, im realizing that due dates are silly. only 25% of women have their babies by the due date.
yesterday morning at 6:30am, i thought that maybe labour was in its very beginning stages. this may sound funny to all who have had a baby but you know...it hasn't happened to me yet so i'm not sure what to expect. but needless to say - it wasn't. i then spent the whole day thinking...maybe it's coming today. and i also spent the day mostly on my own in my house because tim worked on his truck all day in the garage. quiet time alone to think makes the waiting much much longer, right?
i should have taken the 4th and added a week right away from the beginning. so my new due date? june 11th. :)
someone asked me a couple weeks ago if i was doing lots of cleaning since i was at home all day. "that's how you know you're nesting," she said. i told her that i guess i wouldn't be nesting because i was definitely not doing much cleaning. :)
i do day to day cleaning - you know...dishes, bathrooms, sweeping. tim does lots to keep the house in order. in fact, there are no chores that are mine alone. we take turns...or tim cleans it all. ;) but when it comes to more detailed dirt...it can get left for awhile.
i get random inspiration to clean sometimes. like, i'll open the freezer many, many times and ignore all the peas that fell out of their bag one day. but all of sudden, the next time i open the freezer, i'll pull everything out, throw away the bad stuff, and wipe it down. and i feel good about a clean freezer and admire it everytime i open the door. somehow that good feeling isn't enough to spur on a cleaning frenzy. much to tim's dismay.
being 9 months pregnant doesn't help. i don't know who these cleaning/nesting pregnant women are. last night i had washed all the sheets and was making the bed in our spare room. it took me so long to make...huffing and puffing, swollen feet throbbing. i came out of the spare room crying. it makes you feel awfully useless to not be able to do simple tasks. (umm...and i hear pregnant women are emotional too) tim suggested that maybe he would work from home the next day and be able to help around the house for the day.
so today, between emails, phone calls, and other such work, tim cleaned like no other. all our window screens were cleaned and i cleaned some of the sills. (he did the sills i left behind) vacuuming, washing floors, kitchen. i did the bathroom though. :) he put together our thousand piece ikea dresser for the baby's room. mowed the lawn. swept. sigh - our house is SO clean...it's wonderful. and it makes me feel so much more ready to bring a baby in here. i guess that's why people clean the house pre-baby. not just moms do it...apparently dads can do it too. it's called...nesting. :)
i was at the doctor's today. he cannot believe how low the baby's head is. he says that it takes a fair amount of labour for some women just to get the head to where it is already in my pelvis. this is a good thing. but who knows if that means he's coming tonight or next week sometime.
the heat isn't working for my poor ankles either. these are some fat feet. :)
an FAQ i kind of mentioned recently was how i have been sleeping - and the answer is still the same...pretty well. i go to bed much later because i sleep in and sometimes even nap but pretty well nonetheless. i have attributed it somewhat to my sleeping habits previous to being pregnant. i woke up often in the night, usually to roll over, even when i didn't have a huge stomach. so if you're used to waking up many times a night, then pregnancy doesn't really change how you sleep.
i read an article in wondertime (a magazine recently mentioned in another post) about sleeping during pregnancy and since i'm here at the library again, can quote it. "the more times a person wakes in the night (and by the last trimester 97% of women wake at least once says the National Sleep Foundation) the dreams she recalls." so if you have spent any time with me at all in my life, you'll know that i always have some random dream to tell you about. and i guess it's because i wake up so often in the night that i have that many more opportunities to remember my dreams. when i wake up from an especially strange one, i have to think about it and replay it in my mind a few times before i try to go back to sleep - otherwise they're all forgotten in the morning. soif you've heard that pregnant women dream more - or you dreamed more when you were preggers - it could be that you always dreamed that much and it was just your erratic sleeping patterns that began helping you remember the dreams.
the earliest dream i can remember telling my mom was when i was 3 or 4 years old was when a stone gremlin on a fountain came to life when we drove by it in our volkswagon rabbit, jumped off the fountain and chased us. i was screaming to drive faster but it caught up to our car and jumped on it and then i woke up. as a grade school child, i remember my mom telling me, "you must have made that up." haha. i have a dream to tell tim every morning. when i carpooled with sally to agassiz everyday for 3 years, she often heard them too.
ANYWAYS - the article went on to say that "studies have shown that only 20% of the dreams we remember are "good" or "happy" dreams. The rest are fraught with anxiety, fear, sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion." wow. i would say most often my dreams are not any of these. they're just there. however, i'll leave you with a little portion my dream from the other night...
i have my baby and it's super tiny. like...the size of a hotdog bun. he's wrapped super tight in a recieving blanket and tim is holding him. he says to me, "what am i supposed to do with him?" and i said, "you can lay him down anywhere because he can't roll." so tim tosses him onto the couch. horrified, i tell him that he needs to be careful because newborns are fragile. but i check the baby and he seems to be okay because he's wrapped so tightly in his blanket.
umm...i guess that's...fear? anxiety? i didn't seem too worried about it in the dream...but maybe i should be worried...for tim's sake. haha.